Today was not the day I had hoped it would be. It had the potential to be an amazing day, with beautiful weather to enjoy, time to relax, friends to have fun with, but this Sunday evening I find myself sitting in my bed alone with my door closed to everything else happening out there and my own thoughts are all that's here to keep me company. I wish I could say I was enjoying a fun, relaxing evening with someone or could at least sit here looking forward to doing something fun this week or close my eyes and rest assured that I had true friends that were there for me and loved me for who I am.
This isn't how I pictured myself to be spending a beautiful September evening, 21 years old, single, and lonely...could this get anymore depressing? Yes, unfortunately it could, but I try not to let myself think about that because when I look around me and take care of so many patients who are suffering far worse then me, I don't have much excuse to complain or feel sorry for myself. Another reality is quite evident to me, and that is that nothing in life is guaranteed and I have very little control over life as it throws me unexpected and unwanted things constantly, often leaving me discouraged and frustrated with who I am and what I'm doing with my life.
The ironic thing is, I think know the answer to all my problems--God, who will supposedly completely satisfy me and bring purpose to my life. I've known the Christian answers and what the Bible says since I was a kid, but none of it seems to have much meaning to me anymore and I gave up on having a real relationship with Jesus when I got tired of doing everything out of duty to God and because it was the right thing to do. Ever since I gave up on having a close, personal relationship with God, I've managed to survive the ups and downs of life, but feeling empty with a longing to be loved unconditionally and given hope for my future. I know He has really never left my side, despite my stubbornness and pride to do things my way and have control, but deep down I know that I'm failing miserably and in desperate need of a Savior. He's right there, but I don't know how to reach Him and connect with Him. I want to be able to live knowing that I have someone on my side, who will never leave me or stop loving me, even when I make mistakes and make a huge mess of things. I want to be able to walk around town with confidence knowing that I am special to someone and never alone. The problem is I don't know to go about this, making a huge change to how I've lived the past 4 years and surrendering all that I am and want to be, all of my plans, and all of my selfish desires to a God who I cannot see or feel or hear.
I've always had big hopes and dreams for my life--to go college and graduate nursing school, connect with a close group of girlfriends, meet my prince to spend the rest of my life with, and have 4 beautiful kids that I can love to death. None of this is going as planned. College, more specifically nursing school sucks, and seems to have been more of a burden than fun or rewarding. Making friends hasn't really happened, at least I have no close girlfriends that I can call randomly or hang out with on the weekends. Even worse, I've had no luck finding a prince, maintaining a healthy, loving relationship, or even attracting decent men. It also doesn't help that I'm growing more hateful towards men from personal experience that has left me hurt and alone or observing the disgusting things they do to hurt the women they supposedly love. I fear that this issue is going to hinder my hopes of finding a decent guy or being willing forgo another relationship. Still, I seem to always have hope for kids, and have had many kids, though not my own, these past few years to love on as if they were my own.
I don't even know where I'm going with all this, but it's safe to say that life has not been particularly fun for me the past few years, and I'm growing more and more bitter as I get older and see others happily married, or at least have a social life. I could stay up all night thinking about this and worrying about my stupid life, but I do that practically every other night, so I would rather get some sleep tonight. Maybe one of these nights, I'll be able to fall asleep peacefully knowing that I'm loved and will wake up without dreading the day I have to make it through.
Welcome to My Life: Introduction to Who I Am & Prologue to My Life Story
Thank you for visiting my blog page! As I narrate my life story and various experiences of my life, I want to start by giving you an idea of the backbone/foundation of what you read, as I share my heart with you, allowing you to get to know who I am and see the real me. This evolving "composition" is just human means of holding/owning a make-shift diary/journal to record and reflect/meditate on life as it happens and as I experience it, as well as an open place to share my thoughts, feelings, beliefs, values, insights, etc., all because Christ as blessed me with the gift of life, which I want to experience to the absolute full. I hope to use this as an opportunity and outlet to share about myself and my life on a deeper and more personal level, as I navigate through the ups and downs of life, learning from my past, savoring every moment of every day (all the bits and pieces that become a part of who I am and define my life), and rejoicing upon what the Lord has done in/through me and the work He continues to do. Though it is quite simply a page composed of my own mumble-jumble of words, sometimes probably not even sensible, desirable, or worthy of being read, I want to share what the Lord is doing in my life and hope that it, my life, will ultimately be to His glory. As a follower of Christ and child of God, I seek Him first and proclaim His everlasting, redeeming love and faitfulness, something that I long to share with others because He has created us all, uniquely and with purpose, to fellowship with him eternally. It is by His divine grace that I am here, merely one being created in His image, in pursuit of finding my true identity in Him and living as he has called me. Though I am often anxious about what the future holds for me, I must choose to daily surrender to God's will and trust Him because I know He is in control and has a uniquely beautiful and intricate plan laid out for my life. It is Him to who I look to for ultimate/complete love, joy, peace, patience, etc., everything I long for, but cannot find in men or fulfill by the world's means. May the words the fill this page be a blessing to those who read it, but most importantly let these empty, selfish words of mine be filled with the Holy Spirit, spoken/delivered in God's truth, and carried out in the name of Christ.
